Ceaselessly patrolling the South Indian Sea, the U.S.S. Improper Perogative was suddenly spotted by...
Hackers! Yes, nefarious, evil, socially malcontent hackers, bent on introducing pirated, possibly mutated, also possibly DANGEROUS Sea Monkeys to the United States.
Luckily, America has a couple cards up its sleeves. Namely, cryogenically frozen lawmen and reformed gangsters from another era, men who were tough, who weren't afraid to shoot Japanese hackers in the back of the head while they were busy scanning databases of credit card numbers, or The Onion, or whatever it is that those hackers do.
And of course, they found the hackers using their horrific hacking skills from your local public library. Yup. Didn't know they had the ugly evil innurnut there, didja? Didja?
So they shot those evil hackers and stuffed their bodies in a discarded cyclotron.